Bond 000 : Dr Noway
by Istoria
Summary: "Bond has to be sexy, sophisticated, able to swoon woman with just a look, good at gambling, hold his alcohol, have good aim with a gun. " Apparently, the authoress missed this memo. Enjoy a complete parody on Rurouni Kenshin and James Bond.
1. Prologue

This is for nemo, who needed a funny piece. Which I hope this is… seriously.

****

Bond 007 : Dr. NoWay

A long hallway of glass doors stretched out into the distance. Each had black lettering on the front, giving at least some diversity to what was an otherwise dull hallway. Somewhere in the first third are the casting offices of Rurouni Kenshin, the lettering a bit faded but rather legible. Not quite as creative as the Gundam Wing across the hall, which had sparkling lights and gold embossed title.

But they're not who we're interested in (or at least not for this fic).

The entire cast of the Rurouni Kenshin sits scattered around, having conversations in small groups or attacking the buffet in the back. Kenshin is reading through Variety, a red marker in his hand. Kaoru talks excitedly into her cell phone. Megumi and Misao have gotten into an argument over a fashion magazine. Sano is attacking the food. Yahiko and Yutaro are sparring in a corner. The Juppongatana are playing Risk, though Shishio is beating them all easily.

A shadow falls over the door and everyone stops what they were doing to watch. The shadow pauses for a moment and then turns to the Gundam Wing door, slipping something underneath it.

"Not again!" Misao cries unhappily as she sinks back into the seat. "They're always getting new jobs!"

Megumi flips some hair over their shoulder. "That's because they're a bunch of pretty boys."

"Jealous?" Kaoru smiles as she puts the phone away. Megumi just glares at her. "Ne, Kenshin did you find anything we can do yet?"

Kenshin doesn't say anything but continues to read the Variety. Kaoru raises an eyebrow and peeks over his shoulder to see if there are any red marks on the paper, signaling a possible new job.

Instead all she sees is a copy of this month's Laundry-Lover's magazine.

"KENSHIN NO BAKA!" she cries pulling it out and hitting him over the head with it.

"Orororo…"

"Not again!" Misao yells. "Your supposed to be looking for work for us!"

"Gomen nasai, Misao-dono. Sessha was just taking a break." The entire group looks at him skeptically.

"Look," Megumi says standing up. "Our series has been over for a while now. The only chance we have at a job is to attract some fan writers. So we need to have fresh ideas, try to think of things that are never done."

"How about a fic where you're not a bitch?" Misao smiles.

Megumi frowns. "That's about as possible as one where you actually know when to shut up."

"Maa maa," Kenshin says, breaking up the fight. "You know there have been lots of pieces where Megumi is a very nice person."

"Thank you Ken-san."

"Now, about an original idea," Kenshin continues.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Misao says, realizing she has not yet received an apology.

"I have an idea," Shishio says standing up. "How about a fic where I actually win for once?"

The Kenshin-gumi laugh and continue their thinking. Shishio frowns and turns back to his game, surprised to find that half of his territories have been stolen from him when he turned away.

"I could try being sober," Hiko says, looking down at his sake jug.

"And I could quit smoking," Saitou responds, "but we both know how likely either of those things are."

"What about a Biblical play?" Magdaria pips up.

"Or maybe a musical?" Shura adds. "The Pirates of Penzance?"

The room soon breaks out into loud chatter as people being tossing ideas around. They hardly notice that a shadow has stopped in front of their door. Instead of turning towards the Gundam Wing boys, a manila envelope is slipped under the Kenshin cast's door.

It takes fifteen minutes before anyone notices and then it is a free-for-all to see who gets it first. Kenshin's speed helps him out but with his shisho there, he is clearly outmatched. Kaoru tries to snatch it from Hiko's hand but he straightens himself up and holds it out of her reach.

"Everyone calm down!" he bellows and the room falls silent. He turns it over and proceeds to open it.

"Make me a good guy, make me a good guy," Shishio is chanting in the background. Yumi looks at him. "What? I have a softer side."

She rolls her eyes. "Soft is the word."

Hiko's eyes scan the sheet and he nods a bit. "It's a spy fic," he says. The group gets a bit excited. "Based on the James Bond movie series."

"I'll go get my tuxedo ready," Kenshin smiles.

"Baka deshi. You're not cast for the lead in this one."

"What?" Kenshin says, trying to read the script.

"You're to play the part of 'O', master inventor and supplier of gadgets."

"'O'?" Kenshin asked. "I thought it was Q! Why O?" Hiko sighs and hits him over the head with the script. "Ororororo…"

"This is so exciting!" Kaoru says. "I've always loved James Bond movies. So what Bond girl do I get to play?"

Hiko snort. "Kamiya Kaoru, you are cast in the role of Moneypenny Kaoru, Bond's comely assistant, the one woman he isn't interested in."

"WHAT?"

"Fits to a tee," Megumi says. "Then I guess I'll have to play…"

"M," Hiko says. "The head of MI6 and Bond's boss."

Megumi pauses for a moment and then nods happily. "The brains of the operation, I like that role."

Kaoru snorts. "Yeah, who is played in the real world by Judi Dench."

Megumi pauses, remembering the graying and wrinkled English woman. "WHAT?"

"The rest of you are Bond girls," Hiko says waving the crowd.

"All of us?" Yumi asks.

"Well, yeah. And you'll have to have repeat roles. We'll need a lot of woman. Of course, my baka deshi could play one in addition to…"

"Shisho!" Kenshin cries indignantly.

"Even the flat-chested weasel?" Yumi asks.

"That's IT!" Misao cries. "I do not talk too much, I am not flat-chested and I don't want to hear anymore insults or I'll get Aoshi-sama to beat you all up! Right, Aoshi-sama?"

Aoshi sits impassively, not showing a bit of emotion as the scene plays out.

"Aoshi-sama?" Misao starts to whine as she walks over to him. "Aoshi-sama?" she asks again looking down into his eyes. Her face falls into an angry frown and she pushes Aoshi off the chair, where he clatters to the ground, still in seated position.

Megumi looks over Misao's shoulder with a knowing look. "Left to mediate and put the plastic double in his place again?"

"I swear I got all of them last time," Misao growls. "Where is he keeping them?!"

"Well, when your boyfriend gets back," Hiko says, "tell him he's a secret agent for the Americans. Saitou, you're playing a German double agent and I'll be playing a Colombian… drug… lord?"

Saitou lets out a puff of smoke. "In other words, I will be living in the land of alcohol and you will be living in the land of things you can smoke. Well, I have a wonderful feeling about this author."

"Shishio," Hiko continues, "you will be playing the main villain."

"I HAVE RANGE PEOPLE!" He cries before turning back to the board. All his territory is now lost. "STOP STEALING MY PIECES!!"

Seta smiles and shrugs innocently. 

"The rest of the Juppongatana will play thugs as well as anyone who we can't find a place for."

"Wait a minute," Kaoru cries. "Who's going to play Bond?"

"Yeah, you've covered all the major hot guys," Megumi says. 

Misao nods frantically "Right! Bond has to be sexy, sophisticated, able to swoon woman with just a look, good at gambling, hold his alcohol, have good aim with a gun. Who's left that could play him?"

A huge belch sounds through the room. The girls look towards the buffet table.

"That was a pretty good one," Tsunan says, trying to hold back his laughter.

"Wait, wait, let me try again," Sano smiles before letting loose another one. Several glasses on the table shatter and the two men erupt into laughter.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me…" Kaoru says.

***

Ba ba… bum.

Ba ba… bum.

Ba ba ba ba ba.

A low circle arcs across the screen. It finally catches a well-dressed man walking across. It follows him, like a sniper scope about to catch its victim. But the man turns suddenly and sees it.

And a second later he runs up and smashes it with his fist. The screen fractures as the glass breaks and the screen goes black.

"GOD DAMNIT SANO! I SAID FIRE THE GUN AT THE CAMERA!! Stop punching them out!! Do you know how expensive these are?!?"

"Sorry!" Sano calls out.

"You know… I'm beginning to think this might not be my smartest idea. I don't know… what do you guys think?" the authoress says as she turns towards the readers.


	2. Chapter 1 : Strikes, titles and fights

A happy little muse flies down from the sky and looks at the hunched over form sitting in front of a computer.

"Ne, Istoria-sama? What's the matter?" the muse asks.

"They liked it… they actually liked the whole Sano Bond thing."

"But that's a good thing, right?"

"Sure but I don't know if I can follow up the intro…"

"Sure you can," the muse smiles.

"I just don't feel like I have the same level of insanity that I had the first time I wrote this."

"Ah… I understand."

The muse looks down for a moment and then nods. She produces a large mallet.

"What are you doing with that…"

"Just hold still a second," the muse replies.

*WHAM*

"…der… four score and seven years ago…"

"Too formal."

*WHAM*

"… I'm a little teapot, short and stout…"

"Too childish."

*WHAM*

The muse looks down at the flattened form of Istoria. "Er, I think that one was a little too hard."

The pancake on the ground blinks and tries to smile. "Sano… Bond… it could work."

The muse nodded. "Well, my work is done here."

***

"All right people, listen up. All Bond movies open the same way. A large seemingly meaningless action scene in which Bond is almost killed but makes a miraculous, last second escape. This cost a lot of money to do, so lets try to get this right on the first try."

"Feh," Sano says sauntering on the set wearing camouflage. "If you wanted a good near death scene, I know exactly what to do and it'll cost nothing."

He walks over to the edge of the set to where Kenshin and Kaoru are standing and reading their scripts. He smiles a bit at them and looks over at Kenshin.

"Oi, Kenshin."

"Hai Sano?"

"You know what I found out last night?"

"Nani?"

"Jou-chan's real good in the sack."

There's a bit of silence while Kaoru and Kenshin process what Sano just said. And then… 

"What did you just say?" Kenshin growls.

"What exactly did you just imply?" Kaoru adds, pulling out a bokken from bokken-space.

The authoress watches with a sigh as her main actor is chased around the set by two furious co-actors. He manages to run across half the field, jump onto the conveniently placed motorcycle and heads right towards the cliff. 

The motorcycle flies off it and Sano jumps, pulling the strap of the parachute and begins to float ground. That is until Kaoru and Kenshin follow him off the cliff and using their respective weapons shreds the parachute, letting them all topple to the ground.

"Did we get that on film?"

"Hai, director-sama."

"Great, we'll just cut out the end and move…"

"Excuse, Miss Director," Yumi says walking over. "We have a problem."

***

Shishio sits in front of the studio on a plastic chair with an umbrella attached to the side. A glass of lemonade sits on the arm but he ignores it, settling for crossing his arms. In front of him are two signs which read **_Actor on strike, demands more diverse roles_** and **_If you typecast, I won't act_**.

"Shishio, you can't be serious."

He looks up at the director and then turns away.

"He is serious," Yumi adds. "And very stubborn. He always think he can get his way."

"But Shishio, I need a villian!"

"Go get Enishi then," Shishio cries.

Meanwhile on the set, said white-haired lunatic leans in to talk a bit with Shura. "So yeah, I figure dinner and a movie would be a good way to get to know each other. Only… can you die your hair black and where this kimono?" he asks, holding up the white kimono with red and purple garnishes.

****

*SMACK*

The trio outside cringe before the director returns to her lamentation. "I can't… he's just creepy bad guy. I need sneaky bad guy."

"I don't want to be sneaky bad guy anymore," Shishio sniffles. "Do you know the only appearances I make in fan pieces is when I try to hurt Kenshin and the rest of the gumi? And he always beats up on me. I just can't take it anymore!"

"Okay… okay, I have a solution. Let's not do sneaky bad guy. Let's do a traditional Bond villain, very classy."

"It's still a villain."

"Yes, it is, but… it's a villain with something very special."

"Really?" Shishio sniffs. "What?"

The director waves a hand and reaches into neko-space, pulling out a large, fluffy white Persian cat.

"A big fluffy kitty cat."

"Oh you can't be serious," Yumi says.

Shishio looks up at the cat for a minute and then his eyes begin to water. He quickly snatches the cat and brings it to his lap. "I'm so happy…" he cries.

"Shishio?" Yumi asks.

"I will love this kitty cat and I will name him Pussy."

"But… but that's my nickname!" Yumi cries.

"Well, a man can never have too much…"

"WOAH!" The director cries. "Rating, people, rating. We're trying to keep it PG here. So yeah, you have fun with your pussy and…"

Director pauses. She smacks her forehead and goes to Fanfiction.net, quickly changes the rating to PG-13.

***

"Oi, Director-sama."

"Yes, Sano?"

"I'm not in this scene!"

"Of course not, this is the opening credits."

"So?"

"Sano… have you ever seen James Bond?"

"…"

"Okay, here's the skinny. The opening credits involve a bunch of naked women writhing on the screen set to cheesy music and… why the hell are all the male actors here? I just went through what this scene was and… oh. Duh."

***

Darkness and then little bit of light as Kaoru, Megumi and Yumi come across the stage dressed in leotards (mention of the word naked resulted in much bodily harm to the authoress) with long tails and mouse ears on their head. They undulate or in the case of Kaoru, look like they're having a seizure, as tropical colors filter through the screen.

__

Three Blind Mice in a row,  
Three Blind Mice there they go.  
Marching down the street, single file,  
To a calypso beat all the while.

They're looking for the cat,

Suddenly Shishio appears, holding up his new prize to the screen. The big cat yawns as Shishio moves back and forth to make it seems like the cat is dancing. Two second later a big hook appears pulls him off stage.

  
_The cat that swallowed the rat.  
They want to show the cat the attitude,  
of Three Blind Mice._

Three Blind Mice, here and there,  
Three Blind Mice everywhere.  
Searching all around for the cat.

Tsunan suddenly appears from the side and walks up to the three women. He starts to move towards them but his pulled back by Sano who shakes his head as if to say, you don't dance with girls. Instead, he gives him a beer bottle and they sit there watching the girls, nodding their heads, and occasionally taking a sip of beer.

__

All over Kingston town pitter `pat.

They got the carving knife,  
To cut the pussycat`s life,  
The puss` will get the knife for triflin,  
with Three Blind Mice.

A fourth woman suddenly appears and she's the curviest of them all. She slinks with the girls for a bit and then decides to give the guys a go. She dances around them and finally manages to get Sano's attention.

__

So beware!  
Three Blind Mice,

Sano is now actually interested in something besides beer. He decides to get in a little practice for his role so he tries to seduce the woman in front of him. Lucky for him, the lights and music have rendered her blind and deaf.

__

Watch your step,  
Three Blind Mice.

The girl pulls on Sano's shirt and starts to pull him off stage when something drops to the ground.

__

Deadly mice,  
Three Blind Mice,

It's a large melon and another one follows suit.

__

Where they go?

Three Blind Mice,

Sano is confused but he picks up the melons and holds it up to the girl

__

What they do?

Three Blind Mice,

The suddenly very flat chest girl.

__

Oh, the mice!

Three Blind Mice,

The girl waves and tries to slink off.

  
_Deadly mice!_

"KAMATARI!!!"

***

"That was the best you could get?"

"Uh huh, director-sama."

"The best out of how many takes?"

"237, director-sama."

There's a long stretch of silence. "Let's just move on and try to get to the actual movie part."

***

Open up to an office. Kaoru sits at a wooden desk, attempting to type something on the typewriter. It's not going well.

"Just hit the keys in random order," the director calls.

Kaoru nods, retrieves her bokken and proceeds to hit the living hell out of the typewriter.

"I don't think it's supposed to smoke like that," Kaoru says, looking down at the mangled mess of metal.

"No, it's okay, we'll fix." The director turns to the prop man. "Make a note, no electronics are to be used when Kaoru is on the scene. Better yet… make that anything flammable… or cookable."

"Hai, director-sama."

"Let's try this again. Remember, in this scene, we have a normal banter between Moneypenny and Bond. Moneypenny has a bit of a crush on Bond so…"

"Oi, jou-chan," Sano says sauntering onto the set. "Ya should've told me. I mean, I know you're married to Kenshin but I'm up for a little play."

Kaoru stands up quickly, puts both hands on the desk and picks it up before sending it smashing down on top of Sano's head. The desk breaks in two. She shrugs a bit and lets the debris fall onto the floor.

"Nice hit, koshii!" Kenshin calls from the side. He turns to Yahiko with a whisper. "And you wonder why I never complain about doing house chores." Yahiko snorts. 

"PROPS!"

"Hai, director-sama."

"Let's make an addition to the list. Make sure everything is nail down to floor for any scene Kaoru is in. And MEDIC! We have a bleeder on the set."

***

Twenty minutes later, the set has been rebuilt. Kaoru sits rigidly on a chair, which has been nailed to the ground. In front of her are some papers on a desk that has been nailed to the ground. In fact, the only thing that has NOT been nailed to ground is Kaoru herself.

"Let's try this again. Sano?"

"Aa…"

"Just walk in and toss your hat on the hanger across the room."

"Sure thing, boss lady."

"You can do this, right?"

"…"

"Just try it once."

Sano nods and opens the door, he takes a few steps in, removes his hat and throws it towards the hat rack. It misses by a foot and flies out a window.

"Wait, let me try again," Sano says. He walks out the door.

Sano opens the door, takes a few steps in, removes his hat and throws it towards the hat rack. It hits Kaoru instead.

"SANO!"

"Oi! It was a mistake, let try again."

Twenty-seven attempts later…

"THAT'S IT! Rig the hat up to a wire and guide it to the bloody hat hook."

"Wait! I can do THIS! I just know I can."

"And he wonders why he never wins at dice," Megumi mutters from next to the director.

"Just rig it up," the director says, burying her head in her hands.

Sano mutters but lets them do it anyway. As soon as it's a go, the prop man gives the director a thumbs up. She nods and they start rolling.

Sano walks in tosses the hat but gets caught on the wire and loses his footing, crashing into the desk and breaking it into shreds. As soon as the dust settles, Kaoru stands up.

"That was NOT my fault!"

***

"In the next scene, Bond and his new American friend met their first Bond girl."

"Wait a minute," Sano cries. "What happened to everything in between."

"Movies sometimes film out of sequence."

"Well, that doesn't make any sense."

The vein in the director's forehead threatens to burst. "You know what doesn't make any sense? Thinking you could just toss a hat without destroying the entire MI6 SET! So while it's being rebuilt we have to move to this part. So just pretend you met Aoshi in M's office and you're trying to find your contact. Or you can start pretending to get a paycheck, understand?"

"Yeah, I got it," Sano says sheepishly. He turns to Aoshi, who is dressed in a smart suit and standing next to him. "Director's a real slave driver, ne?" Aoshi doesn't respond. "Oi! Ice man!" Sano says giving him a little punch.

Aoshi dissolves into a fountain of plastic debris.

"Oh for the love of… someone go find Aoshi! And where the hell is MISAO?"

"We're helping her get ready," Yumi calls from off stage. 

A few seconds later, Aoshi is dragged on stage and stands next to Sano without saying a word.

"Sure this is the real one?" Sano asks, laughing as he points at Aoshi. Aoshi glares at him.

"Enough playing around. Here's the deal. You two will be standing at a bar and our first Bond girl will walk in. You should be entranced by her…"

"By the flat chested weasel?"

"SANO!" Misao screams from off stage.

"It's called acting, Sano," Aoshi says.

"AOSHI-SAMA!" Misao wails.

"Everyone shut up!" The director screams. "You two, act enthralled. Misao walk out on to stage when the music picks up. Ready… action!"

The music kicks in and Sano and Aoshi turn away from the bar, scanning the crowd for someone. And suddenly… she's there, swishing across the floor. It looks like Misao, the same glittering green eyes but her long hair has been upbraided and piled on top of her head. Long slits up the side of the red dress reveal shapely legs. A low cut reveals that either Sano was very wrong or the Miracle bra really works miracles.

It's an enchanting moment and the two men are really entranced. Well, until Sano decided to speak up.

"Woah, weasel girl's got a nice ra…"

****

*WHAM*

Aoshi lowers his clenched fist next to his side, ignoring the twitching Sano next to him. Misao walks up to them and smiles.

"I'm looking for someone."

Sano peals himself off the floor and looks over at Misao. "I'm Bond, Sano Bond."

"You're the one I'm looking for," she replies and moves towards a seat in the back. Sano and Aoshi follow close behind. They all take a seat and Misao leans forward, giving them a good shot of her chest. Sano takes a sip of his drink while he takes in the view.

"My name is Isuku Uloto."

Sano spits out his drink and looks at her. "Come again?"

"I'm Isuku Uloto."

"Sure babe, whatever's your pleasure."

****

*WHAM*

Misao spares a glance at the twitching mass of Sano on the ground. 

"Well, Miss Uloto," Aoshi continues. "You have some information for us?" Sano grabs the side of the table and pulls himself into the seat, being ignored by Aoshi and Misao.

"I do," Misao replies and reaches down into her cleavage. She tries to pull something out. "Damn it, it's stuck," she says as she looks down to determine what's wrong.

"I'll help," Sano smiles.

****

*WHAM*

Misao finally retrieves the small vial and hands it to Aoshi. "This contains the information you need." Sano, now all lumpy and half-passed out, clambers to his seat.

Misao turns to him and bats her eyelashes. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Bond. Perhaps we can continue this conversation later." She carefully places down a card key on the table and stands up to leave.

Sano eyes the card and then Aoshi. The other man is looking away, watching Misao watch away. Sano smiles and reaches out to grab the card.

****

*WHAM*

"That's a wrap!" the director calls. "Enough for one day people. Let's meet back here tomorrow. I don't think our main actor is going to be conscious anytime soon." The cast nods and starts to filter out leaving the authoress and the unconscious Sano behind.

The muse flies down with a smile. "See, that wasn't so bad."

"I guess," the authoress shrugs. "It's just… well… I don't know. Do you think they'll still want more?"

"Let's see, you have canon pairings in place, villains ready to go and people consistently beating the crap out of Sano. Why wouldn't they?"

The authoress shrugs. "I guess we'll see."


	3. Chapter 2 : Femininity and Fire

To my dear friend, Pheonix, who needs a happy story. Feel better soon!!

***

The authoress holds desperately onto the coffee, legs curled up into chest as she stares at the blank screen. She is muttering something softly to herself but if you listen closely, you could catch the following words.

"Muse stay away, muse stay away, muse…"

"OHAYO!"

The authoress cringes at the happy voice and watches as her little bundle of musey energy settles down next to her.

"Still stuck?" 

"Not at all," the authoress says. "I have another story I'm working on so I'll just let this one sit…"

"Oh! You're no fun! Maybe you just need a bit of a push…" The mallet appears from mallet-space.

The authoress begins frantically waving her hands. "No wait… see I'm typing I'm…"

*WHAM*

"Der… look at the all the pretty stars.."

*WHAM*

"…pretty birdies…"

*WHAM*

"…pretty rurounis…"

"Perfect!" The muses cries. "On with the story!!"

***

"All right," the director cries. "Let's get ready for the next…"

"Just a minute!" Kenshin cries storming onto the set.

"What's going on?"

"We need to clear something up!"

The entire cast slowly assembles onto the stage, quizzically looking at the redhead. Kaoru stands in the corner with her head in her hands. "Not again," she murmurs.

"Okay," the director says motioning that he has the floor. Kenshin nods and carefully crawls up the page grabbing and pulling down the following line: _"…pretty rurounis…"_

"Sessha is NOT pretty!" Kenshin cries. "Pretty is a word used for girl and I am NOT a girl."

"Could've fooled me," someone in the cast mutters.

"Exactly what makes you think I'm a girl!" Kenshin yells. "I've beaten all of you in a fight at one point or another. And in most of those fight you all manage to destroy my shirt so it's not like you all haven't seen I have a man's chest."

"WOO HOO!"

The cast turns to the director who just blushes and waves Kenshin on to continue.

"And… well, I've had two wives while most of you don't have the courage to make your moves," he finishes looking straight at Sano.

"OI!" Sano cries. "That ain't fair. One had to marry you to keep up the illusion."

"He's right," Tomoe calls from off stage. "Besides, if you hadn't killed my first beloved, we would never have met."

"That's true," Akira replies from next to her, his voice whistling slightly from the hole in his throat.

"Well, then… there's Kaoru-dono," Kenshin continues, still trying to prove his point.

Kaoru sighs and shakes her head, slowly muttering to herself, "please don't bring me into this, please don't bring me…"

"Ne, Kaoru-dono? Tell them." Kenshin looks very proud himself. Kaoru is trying to slink off. "Kaoru-dono?"

"Hai," she says, resigned to her fate. "Hai."

"So tell them."

"Demo… anata…"

"Nani?"

"You know… it took like three years for you to say anything." There are snickers in the crowd. "I mean, I could understand if everyone was still around but after even Yahiko left… there was that whole year of waiting. I mean for a while there…"

"You can't be serious," Kenshin cries.

"Well…"

"Hey we all thought it at one point or another," Yahiko calls out.

At the point Kenshin is looking a bit unhappy.

"And the pink shirt doesn't help," Sano calls out.

"It's not pink!" Kenshin cries, looking down at his shirt, eyes glistening. "It's… fuchsia."

Kaoru shakes her head and walks over. "Of course it is," she says, wrapping her arms around him. "Just ignore them and I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I mean, you proved that thought wrong many, many times."

"Many times?" he says, peaking through his bangs with a sly smile.

Kaoru looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "Hai," she says carefully. "And you gave me Kenji, the most beautiful, wonderful child in the world."

"That demon hell spawn?" Sano mutters to Yahiko. "What the hell has she been smoking?"

*WHAM* A random shoe hits him on the side of the head.

"Ne…anata?" Kaoru says. "There is one thing that you could do."

"Nani?" he asked, looked up at her.

She whispered something in his ear, the slightest blush appearing on her face. He smiles a bit and nods, dragging her happily off stage. A couple of cast members start to follow but the director runs after them.

"Please, please, we've already pushed the rating to PG-13. And we all know what happens to NC-17 stories on this site," she finishes pointing to the black void of deletion. The cast nods frantically and scatters about.

***

"Okay, so we're back tracking here to the scene where M introduces Bond's partner, the strange American agent John Smith."

"John… Smith…" Aoshi repeated looking at her. "You want me to be Agent Smith?"

"Well, yeah."

"Wasn't there an Agent Smith in another movie, the Matrix?" 

"Yes."

"And he was a completely ruthless and emotionless killing… ah, I see your point."

The director smiles and motions him to the empty seat, across from Megumi who is dressed in a smart suit. The director calls action and they wait patiently as Sano attempts to open the door.

"What's the problem here?" the director calls out.

"The stupid door won't open!" Sano calls from off-stage.

"Just give it a push!"

"Are you sure that's wise?" Megumi asks.

The director ponders that and a few milliseconds later tries to make a correction. But too late, the door explodes into tiny shards.

"There, door open," Sano remarks, very proud of himself as he strolls in and takes a seat across from Megumi. "What next, director?"

"How about never touching anything on the set ever again?" the director asks, with her head in her hands. "Look, let's just try to get through this scene. Megumi you will give Sano his assignment as you too share some intelligent banter."

"Intelligent banter?" Megumi asks with her eyebrow turned upwards. "I'm afraid you've chosen the wrong actor for Bond then."

"I think we determined that about two chapter ago," the director mutters.

"OI! What's that supposed to mean?" Sano asks.

Megumi sighs. "It means 'intelligent' and 'Sano' do not belong in a sentence together."

"Hey!" Sano cries. "That's an insult!"

Megumi rolls her eyes. "I'm amazed you could make the connection."

"You know, megitsune," Sano says putting his hands on the desk, "I think you underestimate me way too often. I could surprise you one day."

"The fact that you can dress yourselfamazes me," Megumi replies. "So I am surprised every day."

"And I'm surprised you can actually get out of bed," Sano snaps, "considering you've got ice running through your veins."

"Oh, that was something different. Do you want to sit down, are you feeling light headed from all that thinking?"

"The only reason I'd be light headed is having deal with your hot air every day."

"First I'm hot and now I'm cold, it figures you wouldn't know the difference."

"Well after talking with you I sure know the difference between a live woman and a frigid one."

"Considering the way you act around women, I'm surprised you can!"

"Feh, I can get any woman to warm up to me but they have to have a pulse first."

"And be in a coma as well."

"I bet you I can get the next woman to invite me up to her hotel room."

Megumi laughed "If you can't do that, then I'll eat my words."

"Would you eat them over dinner?" Sano asks, a sly smile starting to form on his lips.

"Oh I'd even pay for it!" Megumi laughs.

Sano smiles triumphantly and pulls out the card Misao had given him. "Done!"

"What?" Megumi says snatching the card and looking at it. "That doesn't count!"

"Why not?"

"I said the next girl you meet! You got this earlier!"

"Well… technically," Sano smiles, "I don't meet Misao until the next scene. So she IS the next woman I meet."

"Why you… that's NOT FAIR!"

"I never said I was fair."

"I refuse to…"

"Think they're going to go on like this for a while," the cameraman asks.

"Knowing them…" the director sighs. "Well, it was sort of according to script. I'll take it. Hey Aoshi, we need you in the next scene." Silence. "Aoshi?"

The director walks up and pokes at Aoshi, sending the plastic double clattering to the ground.

"Damn it! Where's Aoshi," the director cries.

"Ah… where the hotel card?" Sano asks, pointing to the now empty desk.

"HA! You have no proof now," Megumi smiles triumphantly.

"GOD DAMNIT IT!" Sano cries as he slams his fist onto the desk, sending the destructive shock waves through the set again.

***

"Director-sama?" The closet door opens a bit and the cameraman looks in. "Director-sama?"

The director shakes her head. "I thought they might get better but… it's just getting worse! I'm never going to get this film finished!!"

"Well… Saitou is in the next scene. He's pretty serious. So long as he doesn't pick a fight with Sano the next scene should go just fine."

The director nods a bit. "I guess…"

"And we managed to locate Misao and Aoshi before they could do anything to… umm… effect the rating."

"Okay…"

"And there's a fresh pot of coffee on the set."

"YOSHI!" The director cries standing up. "We must do what we must do. Let's go!"

***

"Misao has invited you up to her room to discuss the secret double agent, von Neinrauch. You have a discussion and then meeting the agent, played by Saitou. Let's try to get this right people."

The set comes to life and people take their places. The director is about to call action but Aoshi suddenly coughs. The director translates this as Aoshi having a gripe about something.

"Yes, Aoshi."

"I have a question," he says. "Why am I handcuffed to the chair?"

The director smiles and turns to the readers. "Oh boy… how many of you have wanted to hear that out of his mouth?" She winks at them and then turns back to the set.

"Well," she continues to Aoshi, " your ability to disappear with none of us noticing is getting a bit annoying."

"And if I promise not to do it anymore?"

"There's also that habit of hitting Sano on the head every time he looks at Misao the wrong way."

"…"

"Okay, let's begin."

Misao walks down the stairs, her normal bouncing self. Of course the skimpy dress is accentuating all the movements and the second Sano's head starts bobbing as he watches her…

****

*WHAM*

The entire cast stares open-eyed as the flattened Sano can barely utter an "itai" before passing out.

Aoshi quickly moves the chair over his head, arms still bound to its side, and takes his seat again. 

"Ah…" the director says watching him. "Why don't we take a break? PROPS! Need a spatula to get Sano off the floor."

***

"Director-sama?"

"Hai, Misao."

"Do I really have to be stuck like this?"

The director looks over at Misao, who is now wearing a full-length jacket. Her feet are glue to the ground to prevent unnecessary bouncing. Aoshi is at the other end of the set, firmly attached to a chair that is firmly attached to the steel floor.

"Yes," the director says. "Okay action!"

Misao nods and starts talking. "As it said in the vial, we have a double agent within the German organization responsible for the recent bombings in Canada." Long pause. "Canada?"

"Yes," the director says. "Why?"

"It's just… well… Canada?"

"Move on! I know there has to be a Canadian fan or two in the audience and despite that I am a true-blooded New Yorker I will not make any jokes about Canada. Okay?"

"Okay," Misao nods. "Only… where in Canada?"

"Who knows? It's all freaking snow up there anyway and it's not like anyone would notice."

"Hai, I get it."

(Author note : really, I love Canada, but I'm a NYer and a comedy fic wouldn't be complete without me picking on everyone.)

"Let's try again."

Misao nods and repeats her line, allowing Saitou to make his grand entrance. Saitou for his part is doing okay as he comes down the stairs. The director attempts to ignore that distinct shaking in his hands but its impossible.

"CUT! Saitou, what the hell is…"

The minute the camera stops rolling, Saitou pulls out his cigarettes and lights one. "I hate this role," he says, taking a long drag.

"Why are you shaking?" the director asks.

"Nicotine withdrawal," Saitou hisses.

"Ha! See you should have a role like mine," Sano says, picking up the nearest bottle of alcohol. "I can have all the drinks I want."

Saitou attempts to think of a snappy retort but he decides that his cigarette is more thrilling. At that moment, a very unhappy looking Shishio comes onto the stage.

"Now what?" the director cries. Realizing she's not watching him, Sano starts to guzzle the bottle of alcohol.

Shishio sighs unhappily. "Well you see, I was petting my pussy and then it disappeared."

The entire contents of the bottle transfer from Sano's mouth to Shishio. The other man looks over, horrified that he has just been doused in alcohol. 

"What did you do that for?" Shishio yells, looking down.

"But you… just said…"

"Ahous," Saitou laments. "Let's just get this stupid scene over with."

He flicks the cigarette away and it arcs in the sky and slowly makes it way towards Shishio. The poor mummy tries to react but the cigarette ignites the alcohol and suddenly we have a Shishio-kabob.

"Not again," Yumi says from off-stage, grabbing the nearest fire extinguisher.

"And there goes the set," the director says, watching as the Shishio flames ignite and destroy. "That's a wrap people."

The director grabs a coffeepot and starts to walk outside. Her muse comes down giggling. 

"That was a good one, ne?" the muse asks.

The authoress looks up at her. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"Oh come on! I bet they'll enjoy it."

"If they do, I want whatever they're drinking," she finishes, walking away from the fiery inferno behind her.


	4. Chapter 3 : Hearts and Bunnies

Author note : Yeah, this was written on Friday but I was totally swamped and it wasn't finished and then it got left at work and then Nature dumped two feet of snow on me yesterday so turn back you clocks turn back you clocks and pretend its the right date.

Chapter 3 : Hearts and Bunnies

The authoress sits by her computer completely transfixed by a rose in an old juice bottle. Her muse suddenly filters down and stares at her curiously.

"What's going on here?" she asks.

The authoress sighs. "Works been rough and I haven't had a chance to write."

"Well… what about right now?"

The authoress smiles again. "Not right now. I'm just not in the mood to torture the men of Rurouni Kenshin."

"What the hell is going on?" her muse demands. She pulls out a PDA and starts to scroll through information. "Valentine's Day? What holiday day is this?"

"A contrived commercial holiday that forces men to buy useless gifts for their favorite women in a feeble attempt to make up for the other 364 days that they are unromantic."

The muse blinks. "Then why are you standing there…"

"Shut up," the authoress retorts. "Okay, even I get to be WAFFy every so often."

The muse nods. "I guess you're right." She waits for three seconds. "Okay that's enough of that."

"WAIT!! NOT THE MAL…"

*WHAM*

"Der… mhmmm Christmas…"

*WHAM*

"…Halloween…"

*WHAM*

"…Valentine's Day…"

The muse pauses for a moment. "Hmmm… Valentine's Day… on this set?" The muse shrugs. "Eh, it'll be worth a couple of laughs."

***

Sano saunters in to the set and is surprised to see Shishio, Kenshin, and Saitou huddled around talking rapidly to each other.

"What the heck is going on?" he asks approaching them.

"We just realized what today is, de gozaru, " Kenshin sighs.

"Today? What's today?" Sano asks clueless.

"It figures this ahou wouldn't know what it is."

"OI!"

"It's simple," Shishio says. "This is the one day in the year where you can make up for all the things you did wrong to your girl the rest of the year."

Sano looks surprised. "Then why do you all look so melancholy?"

Kenshin frowns. "Because if you don't get it exactly right, then you are sleeping on the couch for the rest of the year. And I don't like that at all."

Saitou raises an eyebrow. "You Battousai? I didn't think you would care about…"

Saitou pauses as a sword is leveled at his throat. "If you mention one more girly man thing…"

"Oi, calm down Kenshin. So whatever, your chicks want something. You can give them exactly what they need in the sack!" Sano begins to laugh and the other men stare at him a moment before turning away and ignoring him. "OI!"

"So what are you getting Kaoru?" Shishio asks.

"I was going for a new bokken and a set of kendo armor, de gozaru," Kenshin said. "But I have two dollars. I'm going to get a card."

"See, that's why I'm not a good guy," Shishio says. "You're always poor. I, on the hand, have an immeasurable amount of wealth to spend on Yumi."

"And you are getting her…"

Shishio's smile drops. "I have no idea. But I did get my pussy some nice feathers to tickle…"

"WOULD YOU STOP WITH THAT!" Sano cried. He pauses the scene and turns to the authoress. "Okay, you need to explain what the hell this is all p… p… well you know."

The authoress shrugs her shoulders. "Have you ever seen Are You Being Served?"

"Are you… ah, what?"

The authoress shakes her head. "Never mind, it's a British comedy and…"

"Brit… tish?"

The authoress clenches her fist. "British as in Britain. It's a country that.."

"Coun… try?"

*WHAM*

The authoress wipes off her hands and turned back to the story.

"…her fancy," Shishio finishes. 

"So we're all screwed, de gozaru," Kenshin says.

"Well maybe you two are, but I know exactly what my woman wants and how to give it to her," Saitou adds. With a flick of his cigarette he walks off. Shishio and Kenshin stare at each other for a second before they take off after him.

***

"Okay people! Let's get started. In this third scene at MI6 there is just one thing that we need to do… NOT destroy the set. Got it Sano?"

"Ah… director-sama, I can't move my feet."

The director smiles. "Of course you can't. By keeping you in just one place, I think we might make it through this scene without any major catastrophes."

"Demo…"

"Okay, Kenshin," the director continues, ignoring Sano. "Your role is simple. You show Bond the devices and then how to work them. Here's the hard part. Do NOT hand them to him."

"Oro?"

"We'll have a stunt double take them."

"OI!"

"All right! And action…"

Kenshin nods and walks over to the table, retrieving the first item. It's a flower and he looks up at Sano as he explains what it does.

"This is a flower for your lapel," Kenshin begins explaining. "Attach to the jacket," he says mimicking the movement, "and if you press the center of the flower a small puff of gas will knock out whoever is nearby."

"Hey! Neat!!" Sano cries.

"Ne, Kenshin!!"

Kenshin cringes slightly and watches Kaoru bounds onto the set.

"Ah… Kaoru, we're in the middle of…"

The director stops cold as Kaoru shoots her a glare that says all too clearly to stay the hell quiet. The director sits on her chair and tries to drown out the confrontation with some nearby coffee.

"Ha…hai, Kaoru-dono?"

"Ne, Kenshin, do you know what day it is?"

At this point, the famous hitokiri is visibly scared, he slowly backing away as his wife approaches him. He holds up his hands to protect himself and he hears her gasp.

"A flower!! For me??"

Kenshin's eyes widen as he feels the flower slowly being taken from him. "Wait, Kaoru!!"

"What?" she says looking at him. "This is for me isn't it? Why else would you have a flower?"

Kenshin pauses and weighs his options. Either he tells her the truth and is caught empty handed and subsequently spends the next year on the couch or… prolongs things a bit.

"Ah, it is for you Kaoru-dono, but I wanted to wait to give it to you."

"Oh… Kenshin… that's so sweet."

She takes the flower and presses it to her nose, releasing the gas and promptly falling dead asleep on the ground. Kenshin takes in a long breath. Sano starts laughing hysterical.

"Man, Kenshin, you're damn lucky jou-chan passed our 'cause she would have walloped you… urk.. Kenshin… your holding my… neck… too…"

"Sano," Kenshin says evenly, amber glinting in his eyes. "We have been friends for a long time, de gozaru. And there have been many times I have wanted to do this…"

"… urk… air…" Sano can get away, as his feet are stuck to the ground, and he can only flail about as Kenshin strangles him.

"Pay me back… now!"

"Na… nani?"

"The money you owe. For all the dinners, the gambling ventures, I want my money back NOW!"

"Ken… shin… no… money…"

Kenshin's eyes are now fully amber and he picks Sano up, consequently tearing part of the floor up, turns him around with his head pointing the ground and starts to shake him. A mass of coins fall down the hole and as soon as he's sure that Sano has dropped everything, he tosses Sano to the side and jumps down the hole.

As Sano lands, he takes out part of the wall, which make the rest of the set unstable and for the third time, the set of MI6 is completely destroyed.

***

"Hey, do you know where I can find the director?"

The crew turns to look at the person who was trying to get their attention. "Who are you?"

"Takato, the new assistant stunts manager." The entire crew backs up. "What's going on?"

"You must have done something very evil in a past life to have landed that position."

"Huh?"

"INCOMING!!!"

Everyone ducks and a piece of flying burning wreckage comes flying over their head, followed by something more human-looking. Three seconds later the director comes running to the assembled group looking very out of breath.

"Did something happen, director-sama?"

"Ah… just a small mishap on the set." She finally notices someone new. "Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Takato, the new assistant stunts manager."

The director looks at him and then up at the sky then back at him. "You were just promoted. Let's roll."

***

"Okay, in this scene we finally meet our main villain, Shishio. He will be talking to the Colombian drug lord played by Hiko… who is sober for once in his life. Saitou will come in soon afterwards and we'll know that he's a double agent out to hurt Bond."

Crickets chirps in the background.

"WHAT?" The director demands.

"It's just," one of the crew start, "that's the most of the movie's plot we've ever heard."

The director sweat drops. "Well, if some people would refrain from breaking the set every five minutes we might actually prove that this is a plot to this story."

"Pl…ot?"

The director's eyebrow twitches and she finds Sano, walloping him for what he just said.

"Let's try that again. Hiko, please stand in the middle of stage."

"Center stage, director-sama," Hiko responds. "Of course, my lovely lady. Anything for the flower of the West."

The entire cast and crew freezes and stares at him.

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" Hiko asks, a British accent gracing his words. "You all appear to be lost in a fog, as if the heavens themselves have clouded your vision and made you mute."

"What the…" the director starts.

"SHISHO!" Kenshin says running up to him. "Is everything all right?"

"Why, if it isn't my most dependable and loyal student! What excellent timing, there is something I must tell you," Hiko says.

Kenshin starts to back away but before he gets far, Hiko has him in a tight hug.

"Kenshin, I have always loved you like the son I never had! I want to name you my sole heir and inheritor to my style and all my worldly possession! Kenshin… I LOVE you."

"DEAR GODS!" Kenshin cries. "HE'S SOBER!!!"

"Ah… Kenshin…"

"Get him off me!" Kenshin continues, struggling to get out of his grip. "GET HIM OFF!"

"Kenshin, I loved you since you were a little boy. You've made me so proud over the years and…"

"AHHHHHHH!!!" Kenshin screams, trying to break free from his grip.

"Kenshin! Calm down!!" the director cries. "He's just telling you the truth!"

"You don't understand!!!" Kenshin cries. "He said that if he was ever sober, I had to do one thing and one thing only."

"What?"

"Kill him."

The director sweatdrops. "It'll be all right… I mean, we'll just get him something to drink and then…"

"NO!" Kenshin cries. "Don't give him anything to drink. If he gets drunk again and realizes that we all saw him like this, he'll kill us all to protect his reputation!"

Hiko looks over and drops Kenshin at the approach of Omasu and Okon. "Ladies! Two beautiful ladies of such virtue and purity have decided to grace me with their…"

*SMACK*

"How do you think you're talking to?" Omasu demands.

"Yeah, like any woman would fall for such disgusting language," Okon cries. "Let's go find Hiko-sama."

Omasu nods and the two take off. Hiko is confused. "But… ladies…"

As soon as he is gone, Kenshin turns to the assembled crew. "Everyone listen!" he yells. "If you value your life do NOT give Hiko anything to drink."

"But Kenshin," Megumi says from off-stage. "Hiko attracts alcohol… well… like Kaoru attracts kidnappers."

The directors sighs. "I'm guessing this scene isn't being filmed today."

"Just as well, I have to go buy some presents for my pussy."

"I thought you already bought her feathers?"

"No, I need something for Yumi."

The director starts to speak and then decides she doesn't even want to know.

***

Meanwhile in the dark recess of the set, alone and locked away in a tiny room, Tokio Saitou lays on a bed, a single rose in her hand.

"Please Hajime-chan?"

"Tokio… you know that this is… difficult…"

"But you know how happy it makes me…"

"All right… but just for you… just today."

Saitou emerges from the darkness wearing a fuzzy pink bunny suit. He brings his hands forward and jumps around the run, little cottontail bouncing. Tokio giggles merrily.

***

Authoress and her muse stare at the screen.

"I really think that I should stop writing these," she says. She looks up at her muse. "Huh? Are you all right?"

"I'M BLIND!!!" the muse cries.

The authoress cringes at the muse's outraged cries. "It's you fault! You made me write this!!!"

"Not that! That was totally your own doing!!!"

"Well look at it this way, if you're blind, maybe the rest of them went blind too!" Authoress turns to the audience and waves her hand back and forth to see if they are blind. "And if they're blind… then no more chapters have to be written."


	5. Chapter 4 : Pranks and Potties

Chapter 4 - Pranks and Potties 

The set is dimly lit, shadows dance across the scenery. Something is dropped and it thuds on the ground, causing a few curses to filter into the air. There is general confusion as the dropped item is retrieved. Several walls shake as someone walks into them and more cursing is heard.

Suddenly the set is flooded with light. There in the middle of the mess, the authoress looks up and cringes. A flutter of wings is heard as the muse descends from the ceiling shaking her head.

"What exactly are you trying to do?" the muse asks.

The authoress picks up the nearest thing she could find, a trash can cover and stands ready to fight.

"It's over! I'm taking the set apart and burying this story in the recesses of my mind forever!!"

"Okay," the muse sighs. "I know you were sick. I know you were busy. I let you get away with that. But then there was the e-mail…"

"Crap," the authoress sighs.

"…from Haru the heart destroyer…"

"Look," the authoress said. "I love my fans, regardless of the fact that they are completely insane. Their reviews really do make me happy and all. But I think I lose a couple of hundred of brain cells every time I write a chapter in this story."

"… and you need to be true to your fans…" The mallet suddenly appears.

"I have another story people like! I'll do that one instead. Just not this one… not today!!!"

"…so time to start writing!!"

The mallet comes down and the authoress flinches, holding up her arms. There's a loud clang as the mallet hits the trashcan cover and miraculously avoids the authoress' head. There's a moment of silence.

"What the?" the muse says, shaking from the reverb.

"HA HA!" the authoress cries. "I evaded your blow. Now with my might shield," she continues holding up the trashcan cover, "I will forever be protected from your mallet."

The muse looks at her, then the trashcan cover, then at her mallet. She whistles slightly and the mallet suddenly grows to two times it size.

"Oh… crap…" the authoress manages before the mallet makes contact.

* * *

The director inches her way onto the set. She looks around nervously and makes her way to her seat. Checking it for stability and traps, she finally decides it's safe. She takes her seat only to hear a rude sound from behind her.

"Oi Director-sama! Have some beans for dinner?"

The director turns and sees Sano and Katsu laughing hysterically, a whoopee cushion clearly visibly. She clenches her fist and feels her eyebrow twitch. She grabs her mega phone and put it to her mouth, turning it up as loud as it can go.

"Listen up everyone! I know this is April Fool's Day but we will NOT be allowing pranks on this set. We're already horribly behind schedule and I will not allow anything to interrupt us. Is that understood?"

"Hai!" comes the assorted reply from the crowd.

The director lowers the megaphone and shoots a glance over at Sano to add an extra warning to him. But Sano is completely lost in laughter.

"What?" she demands.

It occurs to her that most of the set is laughing. "WHAT?" she demands.

Then she sees it in the reflection of the glass table top in front of her. She looks at the megaphone and sees the black shoe polish there in the same circular pattern that now surrounds her mouth.

"SANO!"

* * *

"In this scene, Kenshin or O will… ah… Kenshin?"

Kenshin snaps awake for three seconds and looks around worriedly. "Shishio! Don't touch that sake… bottle… zzzzzzzz."

"Ah... what the hell is going on?" the director demands.

"Sorry Director-sama," Kaoru says, suddenly appearing from off stage. "It's just… he was up all night make sure that Hiko-sama didn't find any alcohol."

"Why… oh right," the director finishes. "Where is Hiko-sama anyway?"

"WHAT?" Kenshin says, suddenly snapping awake.

"Kenshin," Kaoru says quickly, pulling at his arm. "It's going to be…"

"BAKA DESHI!!!"

Kenshin looks up, his violet eyes disappearing into white. His face pales considerably as he sees his Shishio standing at the door.

"Ororororororororororo…" he manages before collapsing onto the ground.

"Kenshin!" Kaoru cries, kneeling down and making sure he still has a pulse. Then she hears laughter.

"I still do not understand why I was made to do that," Hiko says, his English accent flawless.

"HA HA!" Sano laughs from next to him. "That was great!"

"SANO!" 

* * *

"In this scene…" The director looks at the scene and throws down her clip board. She walks over to the Aoshi standing on her set and frowns.

"Stupid plastic dolls," she says pushing it towards the ground.

"Hey," Aoshi protests before regaining his footing.

The director's eyes open wide. "Oh shoot, sorry Aoshi."

He frowns and straightens his suit a bit. With an unhappy glare, he turns back to his co-star, a rather nervous looking Saitou.

"What's wrong with you?" the director asks.

Saitou shakes his head, refusing to answer.

"This isn't about cigarettes again is it? Aren't you on the patch?"

Saitou lifts his shirt to show the dozen or so patches that dot his skin. The director raises an eyebrow and looks closely. "Umm… Saitou…"

"What?" he demands.

"Did you look at these before using them?"

His eyes flare and he looks down quickly. He peels one off and brings it to his mouth, giving it a quick lick. "Sugar?"

Aoshi snickers, the director tries to hide her giggles (but fails) and Saitou's eyes turn an angry gold.

"That son of a…" Saitou scowls as he reaches into his pocket to retrieve a cigarette. He brings it to his mouth and lights it.

The cigarette explodes in his mouth and the once proud and brave Shinsengumi member is covered in soot of the explosion. Somewhere in the distance, laughter filters to the set.

"SANO!"

* * *

The director steps onto the set wearing full body armor. Megumi watches with interest as she approaches her chair.

"Is everything all right?" Megumi asks.

The director shakes her head. "No. Sano is on a prank rampage. He's already ticked off Kenshin, who I'm sure will go Hitokiri on his ass the minute he wakes up."

"I can imagine," Megumi nods.

"And then he did something to Saitou and it pissed him off so much, he grabbed Okita and I haven't seen them since."

"That can't be good," Megumi says.

"I know. Look, let's just get the scene over with and finish wrapping up."

"I thought we were filming the big chase scene." Megumi said.

"I gave the special effect guys the day off. Didn't want Sano getting any ideas that would result in dead bodies."

Megumi nods and moves towards her desk, pausing for a moment. She smiles at the director as she examines the seat and pulls out the whoopee cushion.

"As if anyone would fall for a lame trick like that," Megumi says, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"Ah… yeah," the director laughs nervously.

Megumi takes her seat, straightens her papers and looks at the camera. The director smiles and looks at her clip board. "All we need for this shot if for you to straighten some paper and open your drawer."

"That's it?" Megumi asked.

Even the director is a bit thrown. "I guess… must be for stock footage or something." Megumi nods and at the director's cue, she shuffles some papers and opens the drawer next to her.

The moment the door opens, a dozen paper snakes pop out, shooting straight into the air and right at Megumi. She screams bloody murder and catapults back on the chair, landing in a most undignified position. As if it can't get any worse, there's movement by the camera and before the director can do anything, Sano is running away with the film.

The director's eyes open wide at the sight and she looks down at her clipboard, finally realizing that it's not an official scene write up.

"SANO!!"

* * *

"Please dear muse, I haven't asked for much. All I'm asking for is one scene to go right today, just one," the director prays.

"Is everything okay?" Yumi asks, walking up to her.

"Yes, yes," the director says standing up quickly and moving towards the director chair. She checks it thoroughly and then takes a seat. "Okay, Shishio you're sitting in your chair for this one and we'll get to meet some of your cohorts."

"I understand director-sama," he says slowly petting his cat.

"All right," the director says slowly, "first out is Chou."

The blond haired man gives a thumbs up from back stage and begin to walk forward. For three seconds, it looks like everything is going to be fine. But suddenly Chou's foot steps into a rope circle and he's snared in the trap.

A sand bag drops from the lighting rig and hits the floor while bringing Chou up into the air. It's not very far up since the tip of his hair can brush the ground as he swings back and forth. In this way, he has truly become a broom head.

The director jumps up and looks around the set looking for any sign of Sano. But there's nothing. She sits back slowly and hesitantly motions for the next person to enter.

"Director-sama, I have a problem!"

"What is it Kamatari?"

The cross dresser struggles on to the stage with obvious trouble. Her hands are in a most unladylike place, cupped around her 'breasts'.

"These things are cumbersome and heavy," Kamatari complains.

"Looks like she's really becoming a woman now," Yumi snips.

Kamatari shoots her a look. "You're just jealous because mine are usually bigger than yours."

"Yeah, the fact that your plastic falsies are larger then mine is something troubles me daily," Yumi replies.

"Well, if you want to talk about plastic…" Kamatari starts.

"WOAH! Guys come on!" the director calls from her chair. They both glare at her. "I mean… ladies. Ladies. Let's just calm down."

"Let me see those," Yumi says walking up and reaching down Kamatari's chest, wrapping her hand around one of the falsies.

"Thank you God for letting me see this," Chou says from his position upside down. It earns him a kick from Yumi and he goes back to sweeping.

"Well what do you know," Yumi says, looking at what she retrieves. "Our little Kamatari is finally a man. She now has a couple of brass balls."

Shishio snickers a bit as Kamatari snatches the item from Yumi's hand. "Let me see that. What the… this isn't mine!!"

"Director-sama, what is going on?" Yumi demands.

But the director shakes her head. "Let's just move on. All we need is Soujirou. Where is he?"

"The boy?" Yumi asks. "I saw him with Satiou a while back."

"No that was Okita."

"Who?"

"Never mind," the director waves her off. And then she hears it. Turning to the side of the stage she sees Soujirou struggling to walk.

"I'm here, director-sama!" he says, a bright and cheery smile on his face.

"Sou-chan… what the heck is wrong with you?" Kamatari asks as he tries to make his way forward.

"I must be very tired," Soujirou says, "because my feet are so heavy."

"Oh for the love of…" Yumi throws up her hands and walks towards him and kneeling in front of him and fiddling with his pants, finding several weights sewn into them.

"AH!!" Chou starts screaming. "Someone turn me around! I don't want to see this."

The meaning behind what he just said hits Yumi quickly. Turning a few shades of red, she stands up quickly and stomps over to Chou.

"Oh thank God," Chou says, the image still burned in his mind.

Yumi reaches him and gives him the kick to end all kicks. He spins upward and over the lighting and down again, repeating the process until the ropes has wrapped itself and him around the rigging.

"…ow…"

The director cringes as she looks up but her thoughts are broken by a high pitched squeal. Fearing the worst, she looks quickly over at Yumi.

"What happened?" the director demands.

"What?" Yumi says. 

"Didn't you just scream?" the director asks. Yumi shakes her head and suddenly the director hers the scream again. It's coming from the stage. There, Shishio is in a state of panic, trying to revive his cat.

"Why won't you wake up?" Shishio cries.

"Shishio-sama!" the assembled Juppongatana cry (minus Chou who has been reduced to pitiful whines). Yumi reaches him first and looks at the source of his distress. A few minutes later, the other two finally get there.

By now, Shishio is near tears, the areas around his bandage becoming moist. They all have a hand around him, trying to make him feel better but from the looks of it, it's too late. Shishio's pussy is dead.

The director walks up and takes in the scene. Her eyebrow starts to twitch.

"Shishio," she says. He's still blubbering away. "SHISHIO!"

"Can't you let me grieve in peace?" Shishio cries.

"Sure," the director says. "If you want to sit there crying over a bloody stuffed animal go right ahead."

Shishio blinks and looks down at the 'cat' at his feet. Sure enough, closer inspection reveals a tag with a company name on it. By now, everyone is looking at the director with confusion. 

And if to answer their question, there is an eruption of laughter that can only belong to one source.

"SANO!"

* * *

The set is quiet, most of the cast and crew having taken cover from the prank storm named Sano. A gentle breeze pushes some scattered papers across the set. A single stream of light filters from the ceiling onto the floor, a circle of untouched brightness. There is silence and then movement across the light.

He pauses a moment and looks up, his high red ponytail swaying slightly as he brings himself to a stop. His hand rests on his katana as he strikes a heroic pose.

Across from him, two more men join the circle. They are dressed in blue coats, fringes with white and they glare at the Hitokiri. But no one makes a move to attack.

A third party joins the light and though he is bandaged, they recognize him as a brother Hitokiri to the first. 

The three stare at each other and nod. No matter what happened in the past, they were going to band together and defeat this menace once and…

"Kenshin! Where did you get that katana! I thought we talked about this!"

"Hajime, I thought we talked about this. No more killing people. And you know Okita-kun is sick."

"Shishio-sama, I can't believe you went ahead without me!"

The men all cower as their female counter parts come into the light and start to nag them. The lights come on and the director stomps onto the stage with Megumi in tow.

"All right, everyone calm down," the director yells. "This is ridiculous. You can't kill Sano!"

"Oh yes I can," Saitou says, unsheathing his sword. That earns him a wallop from Tokio.

"No you can't," the director repeats. "He is the star of this movie. If you kill him, there will be no movie and therefore…"

"No job," Kenshin mutters, the last bit of amber slowly fading. He quickly resheaths his sword and catches notice of Kaoru's glare. "It wasn't really going to…"

"Uh huh," Kaoru says, holding out her hand until he gives her the katana. 

"You too," Tokio says, her hand out and waiting for Saitou's katana.

Yumi looks at Shishio and shrugs. "You can do whatever the hell you want."

"Thanks," Shishio smiles, shooting a happy glance at the other men and grabbing a loose bandage and snapping it like a whip.

"Everyone listen to me," the director says. "We don't have to resort to violence."

"It's true," Megumi says. "You see… I found something much, much better."

Everyone looks at her as someone emerges from the shadows.

* * *

"So then Chou's completely wrapped up on the ceiling…"

Sano can't finish. He just starts to laugh harder. Katsu tries to keep up but he's just completely lost in his friend's laughter. 

"Hand on, let's grab something to drink," Sano says, reaching over and grabbing two cans of soda. He tosses one to Katsu and opens his.

Of course, when Katsu opens his, it explodes in his face, obviously the victim of severe shaking beforehand. Sano starts to laugh and suddenly Katsu doesn't think he's very funny.

"Oh….Sano?"

Sano breaks from laughing to see Megumi swishing in through the door. "Yeah kitsune, what's up? Need a few more scares or something?" Thinking himself very funny, he laughs some more.

Megumi's smile twitches momentarily but she manages to just shrug. "Okay, if you don't want to see it."

"See it?" Sano asks. "See what??"

Megumi shrugs and starts to swish away. Sano waits a minute before running after her. And demanding to know what's going on.

They're still arguing when they reach the main set but Sano stops short when he sees most of the cast and crew assembled there. It's not so much them being in one place, it's that they're all smiling… at him…

"Sano-kun."

Sano blinks and watches as his mentor, Sagara Souzou walking towards him. 

"Ha…hai," Sano says, suddenly feeling very small under the Sekihoutai captain's glare.

"Your friends tell me you have been playing tricks on them."

"Well… yeah," Sano says sheepishly. "But… it's all for the holiday you know."

"Ah… I see. Well then, you won't mind if I play a little joke on you," Sagara says.

"Are?" Sano stutteres.

"Well, not a joke," he continues. "You see Sano, you're screen debut wasn't on Rurouni Kenshin."

"What are…"

Before Sano can finish his statement, a screen rolls down and a grainy film begins. Somewhere in the pit of his stomach, Sano realizes Karma's a bitch and she's about to slap him good.

~~~

_A chibi-Sano waddles out on to the screen. He's obviously only two or three and barely mobile. His hair is still spiky and standing up and in his mouth is a pacifier shaped like a fish._

_ An announcer's voice-over begins. "When your child is in the in between stages of diapers and toilet training…"_

_ Suddenly chibi-Sano stops and starts to cry. "I'm all wet!" he cries before sobs overpower his speech._

_ "…make sure to give them Pull-ups underwear to prevent any accidents."_

_ Switch to scene of happy Sano in Pull-ups pointing to them. "I'm a big boy now!"_

_ "Pull-ups training pants! The best for potty-training your child."_

~~~

The film stops, the lights go back on and everyone is just staring in shock. Sagara looks at them with confusion.

"You have to understand," he says, believing that he's done some great wrong by putting Sano in an advertisement. "A revolution costs money. And Sano was a natural actor. We just thought…"

Suddenly the giggles start, mostly from Megumi and Kaoru. Like an infection, it spreads across the entire set and everyone is soon lost in fits of laughter so hard that they can barely see out of tear strained eyes. 

Sagara sighs and walks over to Sano. "Sorry but it was only fair. From what the director-sama told me, you really caused a lot of trouble. Plus, she told me she might be able to find a job for me soon."

Sano doesn't move.

"Sano-kun?" Sagara asks waving a hand in front of his eyes.

Sano is still frozen.

Sagara goes to shake him awake but the second his hand makes contact, Sano pitches backwards and hits the ground frozen in shock.

* * *

The authoress and the muse are still giggling. "So how much would we have to pay an artist to actually draw that scene?" the authoress asks.

"I don't know," the muse giggles, "but it'd be worth it."

The authoress giggles a bit and regains her calm. She looks up at the muse and out at the audience. "Well, seeing as there was no filming in this chapter… maybe the movie will go bankrupt now."

The muse stops looking her. "Are you trying to get out of writing another chapter??"

"No, it's not like that at all!"

"Because from your reviews, there are a quite a few other muses I can call on to help me…"

"AH! Just put away the mallet!!"

"HEY! Stop running away!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH………"


	6. Chapter 5 : Broke and working

Chapter 5 : Broke and Working 

"Today's seminar will concentrate on maintaining a healthy and happy writer. Now let's begin," the little winged muse begins. "Repeat after me, 'I will not mallet my author to death'. Everyone…"

In the back, Istoria's muse grumbles to herself as she stretches on the chair, glaring at the written court order in front of her.

"Anger management my ass," the muse states.

  
"Tell us about it."

The muse looks over at the row of people she's sitting with and smiles at her fellow muses. Roy nods at her and hands her back the mallet. Alice is flipping knives while Eko sits with her arms crossed and ki sword resting at her side.

"This sucks."

"I agree."

"Let's just split. Not like anything they're saying actually makes sense."

* * *

The set is quiet as the cast start filter in. There's a quiet hush as people gather, wondering why the director has called such a meeting. She's sitting in her chair watching them all with a huge mug of coffee in her hands.

"Director-sama," Kaoru finally says. "Is everything all right?"

The director sighs and shakes her head. "No… I'm sorry to say this, but… but…"

"But what?" Megumi demands.

"We're broke."

There are about two milliseconds of silence before everyone starts yelling. The director starts to wave her arms around until they stop.

"Look, between all the mishaps, the strange demands from the actors and well… let's face it, I have no sense of budgeting, I'm afraid that the studio is going to be closed down. I'm sorry all of you."

"But… but…" Kaoru starts, "we were doing so well."

"I can't believe we spent all the money," Kenshin says with a frown.

"You didn't," the muse says filtering down from the ceiling. "She did," she finished pointing to the director. "At Anime Boston."

"Director-dono? Is this true??"

The director looks up at the cast. "It's not my fault you all are so damn irresistible and I keep spending money on you!!"

Kaoru looks at her and starts to sniffle and cry. "How am I going to rebuild my dojo without cash?"

"Ah! You made Kaoru cry!" the muse cries.

"I didn't mean too!!" the director responds but it's too late, the mallet has appeared. 

One flattened director later, the muse is still not satisfied. "Okay, listen up everyone! We have about a day before she wakes up. I think if we all go out and get a job, we should be able to get enough money to save the show!"

There are a few murmurs of dissent but they are quickly silenced as the muse begins to tap her mallet in her hand. With a collective sigh, the cast filters out to find a job that they can do.

* * *

The stage's curtain is lit up with flashing lights. Loud techno music is blaring through out the hall. Women are screaming at the tables, fist full of dollar bills. The announcer makes his way to the stage and holds the microphone to his mouth. 

"Ladies and… well just ladies! Welcome to Chippendales!! You're in for a real treat. All the way from Japan, he's so hot, he's on fire… Makato Shishio!!"

And out strolls Shishio, resulting in the screaming of many a woman. He hoofs it to the center of the stage and casually drops the outer robe, leaving him in full mummy form. He takes the first bandage and begins to pull.

* * *

It's a sunny day in the park. There are families walking about with huge smiles, a couple stroll by, holding hands and smiling at each other.

And then the music cues up and out come Okita and Soujirou holding hands and skipping down the lane with identical smiles.

"Double your pleasure… double your fun…"

The two of them are very merrily going on their way, skipping in exact unison.

"Doublemint, Doublemint gum!!"

They both stop at the camera and hold up their respective packs. There's a few seconds of silence before…

"CUT! Excellent take boys. That's a print. Ah… you can stop smiling."

Which of course they don't. Instead, they take their paycheck with a smile and continue skipping off into the sunset together.

* * *

"Crap, why did I get stuck with the damn cat," Chou says holding up a feather to play with it.

"Shishio didn't want it to get traumatized by what he was about to do," Yumi explains as she files her nails. "Besides, how hard is it to watch a cat?"

"The damn thing just sits there though," Chou replies.

"Try a laser pointer," Yumi remarks. "I've heard those work very well with lower level intelligence."

"Like I have one of those."

Yumi sighs and shuffles around in her purse. She retrieves the small golden keychain attachment and holds it up for Chou. "There. Just press the button and the laser goes on."

Which indeed it does, creating a little red dot on the wall. Chou stares with wide eyes and suddenly it disappears. He sighs unhappily and Yumi presses the button again. As soon as he sees the laser, he gets happy again.

Yumi raises an eyebrow and slowly begin to move the laser so that the dot moves across the wall. Chou begins to follow it. Yumi moves it faster, Chou begins to run. She gets it to the window and Chou doesn't even stop but just runs straight into the glass.

He stumbled backwards, blood gushing out from his broken nose and lays on the ground unconscious.

"Tadaima!!" Soujirou calls out as he enters the room, holding up his paycheck. He sees Chou on the ground. "What happened to him?"

Yumi shrugs. "I don't know! I was just playing with my laser pointer and he…"

She pauses, watches as Soujirou stares at the dot. She moves it slightly and he follows transfixed. She furrows her brow in concentration and decides she has nothing to lose. She moves the pointer quickly across the wall and true to his speed, Soujirou follows it. As it reaches the opposite wall, she turns it off, giggling to herself for a moment before she realizes Soujirou is not stopping. Instead he plows through the wall and disappears. 

Suddenly there are several feminine screams and Soujirou bolts out of the hole and takes off running. Several irate female cast members emerge from the hole with hastily thrown on bath towels.

"HENTAI!"

"PERVERT!"

"SO SPYING ON WOMEN WHILE THEY'RE BATHING IS WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS SMILING!"

"COME BACK HERE!"

And the horde of women takes off. Yumi meanwhile lets the laser pointer drop to the ground with surprise. It turns on as it hits and the cat looks up at what's on the wall. With a shrug, it curls up its tail and falls asleep.

* * *

"Woo hoo!! TAKE IT OFF!!"

"HURRY IT UP HONEY!!"

Shishio is still dancing. There are several bandages on the ground but the only thing that's showing is a bit of charred fingers. The women, don't seem to mind though as they are tossing dollar bills at him frantically.

* * *

"I can do this."

"Yes you can."

"I know I can do this. You believe in me, don't you Kenshin?"

"Of course I do Kaoru-dono. Now let give this a try."

Kaoru nods and they carefully reach down for the last piece of their costume. Stumbling out, Kenshin helps her until she gets her footing in the big shoes. The moment they come into view, the entire Disneyland Tokyo erupts into excited screams.

"It's Minnie and MICKEY!!"

A horde of children descend on them, making all sorts of demands and poor Kenshin and Kaoru have to deal with. Several throw kicks at their shins and both struggle to keep their composure.

"Ke… Mickey, how are there so many children??"

"I don't know Ka… Minnie-dono… owww… now, now, let's not kick Mickey in the… OWW!"

The little kid giggles and runs away, heading towards the bush where a white haired man is videotaping the whole thing. The kid holds out his hand and Enishi hands him a few yen.

"Finally… my Jinchuu is complete," Enishi smiles. "Feel the wrath of the heavens as you face this ultimate humiliation which will be distributed to multiple Internet sites rendering you …"

"ENISHI!"

Enishi cowers at the sound of Tomoe's reproachful voice. He looks up at his sister with an innocent smile. "Hai, onee-chan?"

Tomoe taps a foot, kicking up the skirt of her Snow White outfit. From behind her, Akira is trying to wrap a scarf around the wound in his neck so as not to dissuade from the Prince Charming look he has been assigned.

"The parade starts in a few minutes!" Tomoe says. "Now stop picking on Kenshin and put on your outfit!"

"But… onee-chan…"

"NOW!"

Enishi moves quickly at his sister's unusual burst of anger. He quickly puts on the last part of his costume and stands up.

"And stop sulking," Tomoe adds, walking over to Akira.

"I'm not sulking!" Enishi says from inside the big head. "And why did I have to get this one?"

"All the other dwarves were already taken," Tomoe states as she takes Akira's arm. "Now, straighten up that hat, 'Dopey' and let's get a move on."

"Stupid job… stupid dwarves… stupid… OWWW!!"

The little kid giggles as Dopey jumps around on one foot, his other still aching from the shin kick. The kid runs away and heads back towards Mickey and Minnie.

"Good job," Kenshin says, patting him on the head with one big hand and giving him some yen with the other.

* * *

"woo… hoo…"

The women are still trying to cheer but most have started to loose their voices. Drinks are being passed around to keep their throats from aching. Most of them are slumping in their chairs as they attempt to toss dollar bills on stage.

Shishio removes the shoulder bandage with a flourish and then begins an interpretive dance of a wave with it.

* * *

"I love you, you love me, we all love each other happily…"

The children are singing as the big purple dinosaur comes onto the stage. He waves at them and comes to the front of stage.

"Hi kids! Today we have a guest with us. It's Smoky the Bear and he's here to talk about the dangers of forest fire. Let's give him a big hand."

The children applaud and cheer while out lumbers Smoky. He's walking rigidly up to the stage, the large bear suit cumbersome for whoever is under it.

"Now, Smoky, why don't we tell the children why you're here today?"

"Forest fire," Smoky replies.

"What about forest fire?"

"Don't start them."

The dinosaur pauses and shoots a glance to the producer who frantically gestures for him to continue.

"Ah… okay… well, what happens if a forest fire starts?"

Smoky looks at the audience. "Starting a fire is against the law. If you break the law, then a bear will tear your insides out with his claws."

The children start to cry and the dinosaur tries frantically down. "Now kids, I'm sure Smoky didn't mean that. Right Smoky?"

"Aku… soku… zan," Smoky states clearly. More waterworks from the children. "Forget this." He pulls off the head of his costume which makes the children scream even more. He produces a pack of cigarettes and lights one.

The poor dinosaur is at a loss of what to do. There are so many problems to fix at once that he has no idea what to start with.

"Smoky… there's no smoking allowed."

Saitou looks over with a frown. He nods and puts his cigarette out in the eye of the dinosaur. 

The children are now traumatized for life.

* * *

Half the women are slumped forward in their chairs, dollar bills still in their hands. The staff is sleeping at the doors. The kitchen food has long since been used up so the chefs have taken to hunting rats to make a dish.

On stage, Shishio has finally removed the last chest bandage.

* * *

"Moshi, moshi, this is Oniwabanshu repair shop," Misao replies into the phone. "Hai, we have our best technician working on your machine… let me check…"

Misao starts to walk away, the phone cord trailing behind her as she moves. "Ne, Aoshi-sama?" she says cheerfully looking in the back.

Aoshi is sitting in a meditative posture facing a computer. He opens an eye and scowls at her. Misao smiles and backs up, successfully wrapping herself up in phone cord.

"Ah, it should be done by the end of the day," she says walking back to the front. "Yes, I think we have your record here," she says walking over to a littered desk. "No wait it's over there… ah…"

Misao pauses and looks down, realizing she is completely wrapped up in the phone cord. She can barely move her legs as she turns a final time. Unable to catch herself, she stumbles forward and lands on the floor.

"I'll get back to you," she says, letting the phone drop as she passes out on the floor.

Aoshi breaks his meditative stance and looks at the computer. He is ready to begin. Reaching forward, he presses the power button. The computer begins its process happily moving along until it gets to the Windows screen and plays its little tune.

Then a question comes up.

"Windows has detected a new piece of hardware," Aoshi reads out loud. "It will attempt to locate the…"

He blinks as the screen changes. "Ah…" he says seeing that the program find a piece of hardware. "It requires installing… the monitor?"

He pauses as he considers the dilemma. He was told that the thing he was reading the message off of was called a monitor. How can the monitor display a message that it does not exist? How can the monitor not exist if it is writing things for him to read?

He reaches over and turns the power off. Obviously, he must mediate on this further. He closes his eyes and continues to ponder the ramifications of this.

* * *

The music ends and Shishio stands in the middle of the stage in all his proud glory. Mind you the pile of bandages has obscured the audience from seeing anything.

Not that the audience would care that this point. They've been reduced to decaying bodies, desperately holding onto dollar bills. 

Shishio bows and collections his bandages and dollar bills and leaves the stage.

* * *

It's late on the set. The tired masses coming back from their jobs. Soujirou has several lumps on his head while Chou holds up an ice bag to his nose. Yumi is spectacularly dressed in brand new clothes as Shishio sits next to her in a new Armani suit, petting his cat. Aoshi is sitting in a corner muttering about the existence of things and Misao is still tied up by his side. Saitou is smoking a cigarette.

Suddenly the last five walk in, looking like they've been through a war. Both Akira and Tomoe are bleeding through their death wounds. Tomoe has managed to grab Enishi right ear and drags him back to the set with Kaoru following close behind with Kenshin's ponytail in a tight grip.

"What happened?" Saitou asks as he watches them trying to get settled.

"These BAKAS," Kaoru says glaring at both of them, "got into a fight in the middle of a parade."

"Enishi started it!" Kenshin cries. "If Snow White and Princess Charming hadn't starting bleeding to death again…"

"And whose fault is that?" Tomoe asks politely. Kenshin clams up and Enishi shoots him a smug grin.

"Anyway, now there are around two hundred children completely traumatized over the idea that Mickey Mouse and Dopey the Dwarf were trying to kill each other.

Saitou snorted. "I did at least twelve times that on national television."

"That you did, anata," Tokio said walking on to the set. "And here are the therapy bills for the next few years."

The cast leans over and cringe at the damage. Everyone begins tossing in money to cover the cost but when it comes to Shishio, he just shrugs.

"I guess I didn't make as much money as the rest of you." The cast stares at the two of them with daggers but it's to no avail.

"Great, so how much did we make?" Kaoru asks.

Kenshin divides up the money and counts it out. "210 yen… wait," he says taking a piece of lint out of the pile. "110 yen."

"THAT'S IT?" The cast screams.

"Wait, there are still a few people missing," Kenshin calls out over the yelling. And sure enough, Megumi and Gensai-sensei walk in.

"Ah! Doctors, they should make a lot of money. We'll be rich…"

Megumi and Gensai-sensei look at each other. "Actually, most of our patients had insurance so we're still waiting for the companies to pay us back."

"…in about 20 years," Kaoru finishes, slumping to the ground. 

"Where is Sagara-san?" Gensai-sensei asks. "I left the children with him."

"As did I," Tokio says.

"Yeah, Kenji's with them as well."

There's a long pause.

Then everyone takes off to find Sano.

* * *

Sano is dangling upside down from the ceiling, tied up with multicolored scarves and wearing a bunch of feathers. As the cast barges in he can only smile sheepishly at them.

"Hey, how's it going," he smiles as the rope moves him back and forth.

"You should have known," Megumi sighs, "that he wouldn't be able to handle children. They are smarter then him."

"OI!" Sano calls out. "Listen here, Fox. They not children… they're HELLSPAWN. You should have seen their little plotting mind… ah… ladies, can you not come so close with those knives… I don't want to get…"

The cast leaves closing the door as Tokio and Kaoru go to work. Over the occasional screams of pain the cast continues to plan when suddenly Omasu runs up with a flyer.

"LOOK! Hiko-sama is playing in MacBeth down the street. He's already getting rave reviews." Everyone gets very excited (more at the prospect of a good source of income then Hiko's acting).

"Ne, Kenshin, we should go," Kaoru says remerging and wiping the blood from her hands. "It'll be good to cheer him on."

Kenshin looks at her strangely. "Ah… are you sure?"

"Of course!" she says brightly before tugging him down by the ear. "Besides, if he gets paid," she whispers, "he may decide to go on a little alcoholic celebration."

Kenshin pales and nods. "We'll do that then."

* * *

The play was a spectacular success. Hiko's acting was superb. And, if Kenshin and Kaoru eavesdropped correctly, he was going to get paid a lot of money. 

"Wow, I never thought Hiko would be good at anything but drinking," Kaoru says as she and Kenshin walk backstage to congratulate him and make sure that he doesn't get near any alcohol.

"Ah, Shisho's not that bad. He just gets a bit misguided when he drinks," Kenshin says with a sheepish smile.

A couple of crew members pass by then and run into Kaoru.

"Hey, watch it!" she calls out.

"Sorry!" one of them replies. "But we wanted to hurry before the champagne was all gone."

"Yeah," the other one adds, "I heard some big guy was downing them like it was water."

Kenshin stops short. He turns pale. Looking down towards the end of the hall, his purple eyes nearly disappear into the white. And then… like the voice of Hell itself…

"BAKA DESHI!!"

* * *

The authoress wakes up, holding her hand to her head. "What happened?" She asks looking around.

"You passed out," her muse lies. "But it'll be okay. We have enough money to save the show."

"Huh?" the authoress says, completely confused.

"Yeah, isn't it great?"

"Ah… I guess so."

"GREAT! Ah… there's just one problem," the muse says. "See… we sort of lost the children."

"The what?"

"You know, Kenji, the two little bundles of girlish energy and Saitou's three sons."

The authoress blinks and looks at the muse. "Those six kids are together… unsupervised?"

The muse nods slightly.

"We are all screwed."


	7. Chapter 6 : Lord of the Fools

Chapter 6 : Lord of the Fools 

The authoress sits in her chair, a 64oz coffee mug by her side. She's wearing a football helmet and is holding a large wooden bat by her side.  
  
"Mallet me again now…baka muse."  
  
She holds her sadistic little smile and waits, sucking away at the coffee as she scans the horizon, waiting for the attack to come.  
  
Two 64oz of coffee later, the authoress suddenly realizes the flaw in her plan. She has to go and she means go… In fact, she doesn't stop to think too much about it before she jets to the nearest bathroom, leaving the wooden bat behind.  
  
Ten minutes later she collapses in the chair and grabs her bat again, waiting for her muse to show up.  
  
"Ne… Istoria-sama?"  
  
The grip on the bat tightens as she turns.  
  
"You…" she starts. "You… eh? Who the hell are you?"  
  
The short and stocky muse shrugs. "I'm from the temp agency." She clears her throat and produces a mallet. "Now, let's just get this…"  
  
"WAIT A MINUTE!" Istoria says, flailing her arms. It doesn't matter. The temp muse can't really wield the mallet and the large object falls backwards taking her with it. Tiny little fairies appear around temp muse's head and her eyes go swirly.   
  
Istoria looks over and arches an eyebrow. Then she slowly takes off running.  


* * *

  
"Demo… koshii…"  
  
"Don't koshii me," Kaoru says turning on her heel. "I want my son back!"  
  
"It's not my fault," Kenshin wails. "Sano was supposed to be watching them!!"  
  
"It doesn't matter who was watching them," Kaoru retorts. "You should be out looking for him."  
  
"But I have to film a scene later today!"  
  
Kaoru puts her hands on her hips. "So does Saitou-san but do you think he complained when Tokio asked him to go search for their children?"  
  
Kenshin considers the question and starts to snicker. The image of his greatest enemy whipped by a woman is enough to send him into laughter fits. Too bad Kaoru sees this.  
  
"I KNOW what you're thinking!" she says, walking away towards her dressing room.  
  
"Demo koshii… I'm sure he'll be just fine."  
  
"And if he's not?" Kaoru demands. "Let me fill in the rest of the story for you. If something happens to Kenji then believe me when I say you'll never get the chance to make a replacement!"  
  
The door slams shut in his face and Kenshin grimaces, understanding exactly what she said. He shuffles outside and is surprised to find Saitou waiting for him smoking a cigarette.  
  
"No sex?" Saitou asks.  
  
Kenshin nods. Saitou exhales a puff of smoke. He holds out the pack to Kenshin but the redhead shakes his head.  
  
"Take one."  
  
"I don't smoke," Kenshin states firmly.  
  
"You're going to something to calm your nerves."  
  
"I'll take a cold shower." Kenshin pauses. "A lot of cold showers."  
  
Saitou snorts. "You won't last a day."  
  
"Eh, really?" Kenshin says, glaring at the other man. "So you've found smoking works well."  
  
Saitou looks at him reading the underlying meaning in that. He puts out his cigarette and grabs Kenshin by his shoulder, pulling him away from the set and towards the outdoors.  


* * *

  
The director sits slumped in her chair with a sigh. She looks at her script and then at the set. She closes her eyes and mutters a quick prayer before turning to the cameras to tell them to prepare to film.  
  
"All right… in this scene Moneypenny will present Bond with the secret file containing information pertinent to the case. Okay?" Kaoru and Sano nod. The director sits back in her chair before leaping up again.  
  
"One more thing!" she cries. "Please, please, please do not break this set. Really… I'm serious. We can't afford to lose another MI6 set."  
  
"No problem, director-sama," Kaoru smiles sweetly. "I only plan on breaking one thing."  
  
"Eh?" Sano says, seeing the gleam her eye.  
  
The director pauses, considers the possibilities and shrugs. With a quick movement of her hand, she starts the action.  
  
"Here you are Mr. Bond," Kaoru says happily pointing out the folder on her desk.  
  
"Thanks, my…"  
  
Sano attempts to pick up the folder and promptly pulls away his hand. He looks at the folder and tries it again. Just as before he jumps back. This goes on for at least a minute before the director finally feels the little blood vessel in her forehead pop and she throws down her script.  
  
"SANO!"  
  
"Wait a second, I think I can… OWW!" he says jumping back.  
  
The director suddenly notices that his hair is sticking up completely straight in the air… err more then usual. He continues to this until the director walks up and waves him away. She touches the folder and gets a nasty shock.  
  
She steps away and turns to Kaoru. "Did you do anything to the folder?"  
  
Kaoru nods slowly as she watches Sano. "Yeah… but…" she frowns.  
  
"What?" the director asks as she follows Kaoru's gaze.  
  
"Wait! I'll get it this time," Sano says, putting his toe up tries to kick it off the table. "OWWW!" he says stumbling a bit. He gets a determined look and decides to try it again.  
  
"I really didn't think he would keep going at it," Kaoru says softly.  
  
The director looks at her and then at Sano and finally back at her. "You're kidding right? I mean this is Sano."  
  
"God damn it!!! Okay, start rolling film I'm getting it this time."  
  
"Ah Sano," the director says, "I don't know if that's a good id…"  
  
Sano grabs at the folder and clenches his teeth as he pulls it off the table. With a shaking arm, he holds it up to the camera. But it's not as if all the electricity just disappeared. It begins to travel upwards, jumping between the spikes of his hair until…  
  
Sano sniffs in the air. "Is something burning?" he asks.   
  
Kaoru and the director are starting back away. "EVACUATE!" the director cries, running as fast as she can.  
  
Sano watches them. "Where's the fire?" he asks, half joking as they run away.  
  
"IN YOUR HAIR!" Kaoru yells from a considerable distance away.  
  
Now, we all know Sano isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer so it takes him a good five seconds before he realizes what's going on.  
  
Then it's pure pandemonium. His arms are flailing as he runs about. He sees a full glass and dumps it on his head before realizing it was a martini. This creates more of fuss and Sano's getting desperate for any solution.  
  
At this point, the cast and crew are safe. But before they can consider their next option, the entire MI6 set comes tumbling down.  
  
The director throws down the script and starts ranting in several different languages. The crew backs away, fearfully for their lives and sanity is only restored when Kaoru points out the obvious.  
  
"What happened to Sano?"  


* * *

  
Kenshin and Saitou quietly stalk across the open lot of the studio, hands by their swords. They come to a stop by a corner and paused. Kenshin peeks around and turns to Saitou.   
  
His fingers move quickly as he relays the next set of orders. Saitou looks at him and frowns. He puts one head on Kenshin's head and pushes it to the ground as he takes a look around the corner himself.  
  
Kenshin's arms flail indignantly until Saitou lets him up. Saitou relays a new series of commands. Kenshin frowns and shakes his head, repeating the initial idea. Saitou looks at him like it's mad and repeats his own idea. Kenshin starts his own again and in a few moments, there's a lot of hand movement and clapping noises as they continue to collide with each other.  
  
"Playing paddie-cake?"  
  
Saitou and Kenshin glare at the newcomer with venom in their eyes.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Kenshin asks, eyes flashing between violet and amber.  
  
Shishio shrugs his shoulder. "Maybe I'm here to help."  
  
Crickets are heard.  
  
"Maybe Yumi can't find Soujirou and figured that he was with the other kids."  
  
"Soujirou's 18," Kenshin says.  
  
Shishio shrugs. "You know how women are. He acts a bit dopey around her and she starts seeing him as a kid she should take care of."  
  
Saitou raises an eyebrow. "Yumi… with maternal instincts?"  
  
"That's a frightening thought," Kenshin says.  
  
"Both of you shut up," Shishio states.  
  
"But still," Kenshin continues, "you don't usually take orders from…oh."  
  
"No sex," Kenshin and Saitou say together. Shishio nods grimly.  
  
"Need a cigarette?" Saitou asks, pulling one out.  
  
"Don't get that near him," Kenshin cries. "Don't you remember what happened last time Shishio came in contact with a cigarette?"  
  
Saitou pauses, remember the Shishio-kabob and smirks. He hands Shishio a cigarette, or attempts to before Kenshin reaches forward and smacks his arm away.  
  
"Cold showers," Kenshin says firmly.  
  
Shishio looks at him as if he has said the dumbest thing in the world. "Do you think the water stays cold when it hits me? Like women, it instantly turns hot in my naked… HEY! Wait up!!" he says charging after the two of them.  
  
Kenshin and Saitou pay him no mind and continue walking. It takes ten minutes before Kenshin's conscious kicks in and he stops for a moment to let Shishio catch up. But as he turns around, he realizes Shishio is no where in sight.  


* * *

  
The director sits with her head in her hands. It's been a tough day. The MI6 set has already been destroyed. With her muse AWOL writing the next few scenes has been rough. Still, she finally has a good scene for her villains.  
  
Only no one can find Hiko.  
  
"I heard he was going on the biggest bender ever."  
  
The director cringes at the thought. "Well that's just great. What the hell am I supposed to do now?"  
  
"We have a replacement!" Yumi says as she walks in pushing a look alike for Hiko who looks a bit confused.  
  
"Ah… Yumi…"  
  
"Yes, director-sama?" she sings.  
  
"That's… um… wait I know his name. He was in that part of the series that most people never see."  
  
The man stares at her. "Amakusa Shougo."  
  
"So?" Yumi asks. "Watch, I take his head band off him and he looks just like Hiko."  
  
"Yumi…"  
  
"And if we just dress him up a bit, he'll look even more like him."  
  
"Yumi…"  
  
"And he knows Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu so it'll be…"  
  
"YUMI!"  
  
"What?" Yumi says looking over at the director.  
  
The director motions her over. "That's Amakusa Shogo." Yumi looks at her strangely. "He's from the 'Christian Arc'."  
  
"I really don't see what the big problems."  
  
The director closes her eyes. "Yumi… do you know anything about Christianity?"  
  
"Ah… a bit…"  
  
"Okay… let me explain it the terms of Hiko. Think about Hiko."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Think about what Hiko does."  
  
Yumi pauses and shrugs.  
  
"Everything he does."  
  
Yumi nods a bit more slowly, with a noticeable blush.  
  
"Now think of the opposite and you've got a good idea of what Christianity dictates is necessary to be a good person."  
  
"Excuse me, director-sama," Amakusa says walking over. "I fail to see the problem. This young woman informed me I would be playing the part of Hiko today. A few sword fights will not go against my beliefs."  
  
The director looks up at him. "You do know what part Hiko was playing, right?"  
  
"Hiko is a swordsman"  
  
"That's what he is. But he's playing a Columbian drug lord." Amakusa cringes. "Who sells the drugs to children." Amakusa darkens. "And works with the Neo-Nazi's."  
  
Amakusa clasps his hands together. "I understand. I will eliminate the man known as Hiko."  
  
"No wait, Amakusa," the director calls out. "That's not Hiko it's just his… character…"  
  
But Amakusa has disappeared.   
  
"Not really bright is he?" Yumi says.  
  
The director sighs. "I think he just jumped to a really bad conclusion."  
  
"So he goes and takes on Hiko? Who cares? It's not like Hiko can lose to him and what's one bit character anyway?"  
  
"You feel no remorse for sending a man to his death, do you?" the director asked.  
  
Yumi looks at her. "Meh," she says with a shrug.  


* * *

  
Kenshin and Saitou are seated over a map, pondering their next location. So far, several of the studios have been crossed off the map after being thoroughly searched.  
  
"Did it just get colder here?" Kenshin says looking up at Saitou. Saitou motions behind him and Kenshin turns around to see Aoshi standing right behind him.  
  
"Geez," Kenshin says, trying shake off the chill.  
  
"What happened, Shinomori," Saitousnickers. "Misao go and join the rest of the children."  
  
Kenshin jumps up, rubbing his arms. "Ah! Stop with the cold stares! This is worse then when Shishio burned me."  
  
"I would have though him biting you was the worse, Battousai," Saitou smirks. "But I guess you enjoyed that."  
  
Kenshin stands up. "I'm not the one with a little boy running behind me calling me Saitou-sama," Kenshin says, indicating Okita.  
  
"No, just a tall dumb rooster head," Saitou smiles.  
  
Aoshi puts his hand on both their shoulders and pushes them back into their seats and points at the map.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Saitou demands. "I know you don't talk a lot but even for you this is quiet."  
  
Aoshi says nothing but just sits down very slowly and stares at the map.  
  
"I know!" Kenshin says happily. "Kaoru must have talked to Misao about the children!"  
  
"Yeah right," Saitou says. "This is weasel girl we're talking about. She can't spend more then five minutes away from him. You really think that she would…"  
  
They both pause and look at Aoshi. Slowly they edge away from their seats and stand up. They both look down at Aoshi.  
  
"I think he's frozen," Kenshin says softly.  
  
Saitou reaches forward and pushes him. Aoshi tips over and clatters to the ground. "Huh," Saitou says pensively. "He finally froze solid."  
  
"Get him and Shishio together…" Kenshin begins.  
  
"It's been done," Saitou shrugs.  
  
Kenshin pauses, considers the possibility and pales a bit. Suddenly they both fall silent.   
  
In the distance, a series of drums beating incessantly suddenly begins. The two men look at each other and take off to explore.  


* * *

  
The scene is out of Lord of the Flies. The five children are seated around a fire in various states of disarray. They're roasting marshmallows and laughing quite happily amongst themselves.  
  
Kenshin and Saitou walk into the scene and balk. The kids turn to them with feral grins. The men's eyes open up wide. Not at the children but at the entire male cast hanging from the trees.  
  
"What the…" Kenshin starts.  
  
Saitou looks for a moment and nods. "They got them all."  
  
"This is your fault!" Kenshin says suddenly.   
  
"My fault?" Saitou asks.  
  
"Your little terrorists convinced the three sweetest children on the planet to tie up…"  
  
Saitou looks over at him. "Three sweetest children? You aren't counting your hellspawn in that trio are you?"  
  
"Kenji is not a hell spawn!" Kenshin cries. "Kenji, stop pulling that rope around my legs. It's your little triplets of doom that are the root of all the problems."  
  
"They weren't even in the series," Saitou counters. "You three, go sit down now."  
  
"Of course not. If they were, Tokyo wouldn't have survived!"  
  
The fight goes on for several minutes with the four young boys tying up the remaining two men while the Ayame and Suzume make orders from the side.  
  
Too late, Kenshin and Saitou realize their mistake. And by then they're hanging upside from a tree branch.  
  
Saitou looks over at him with a smirk. "You realize that this is all your kid's fault."  
  
Kenshin looks over at him with a frown. "I hate you," he says.  


* * *

  
Meanwhile on the set, the women have all arranged themselves around a table. Tea is being served but everyone's nerves are still on edge.  
  
"Well I haven't seen them for hours now," Kaoru says.  
  
"Who?" Megumi asks, joining the group.  
  
"Our husbands," Tokio says.  
  
"In fact, all the men are missing," Kaoru says. "Except Dr. Gensai."  
  
"Well that is strange," Megumi adds.  
  
Wailing is heard and the trio turns to see Misao wailing on the ground about his missing Aoshi-sama.  
  
"Told you she wouldn't last five minutes," Tokio says.  
  
Suddenly, the door is thrown open and the five children run in. Their mothers (and Gensai-sensei) quickly run up and collect them. After several minutes of coddling, Kaoru finally sits Kenji on her lap and tries to get the story out of him.  
  
"It was their idea!" Kenji says, pointing to Ayame and Suzume.  
  
Everyone stares at the little girls in surprise.  
  
Ayame smiles proudly. "We heard about Mother's day and wanted to give all our mom's and aunties a present!"  
  
"No lousy men," Suzume recites, as if she has heard it countless times before.  
  
The women all face fault. "But," Megumi says looking at them, "whatever gave you the idea that we wouldn't want the men around."  
  
"Because Meg-neesan and Kao-neesan and…" Suzume starts.  
  
"Because you all complain about them," Ayame butts in.   
  
The women all look around guiltily.  
  
"But it's not even mother's day!" Misao starts. "That was last month! If anything, it's closer to fath…"  
  
Kaoru and Megumi leap forward and clamp her mouth shut. "What Auntie Misao is saying is thank you very much."  
  
The children all smile. "Now, what should we do to thank our little angels?" Tokio says with a smile.  
  
"I have Kenshin's money pouch."  
  
"I have Hajime's wallet."  
  
"I have Sano's…" Megumi pauses. "Who am I kidding? Like Sano has anything of value."  
  
The women laugh and bundle up the children for a shopping trip to end all shopping trips. The director watches them leave with surprise. Suddenly the air shimmers and her muse reappears, sporting a tan and some floral prints.   
  
"HELLO!" she cries happily. "I'm back from my vacation!" She looks around frantically. "Eh? Where's the temp?" she asks.  
  
The director looks up at her. "Please don't go on vacation anymore," she says.  
  
The muse breaks up a huge smile. "Did you miss me that much?"  
  
"No," the director says. "But I'd prefer to be malleted into unconsciousness before having to write a chapter like that again."  
  
"I don't think it was that bad."  
  
"You weren't here."  
  
The muse shrugs. "Well, it's done with. Do you have plans for the next chapter?"  
  
"Eh, a few but nothing really… WAIT!! Put down that MALLET!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"  


* * *

  
Twelve hours later…  
  
"You do think they're coming, right?" Sano says, his hair still smoking. "They'll realize we're all missing and come and get us."  
  
"I don't know," Saitou smirks. "Why not ask your master over there, dog-boy?"  
  
Kenshin swings around to face Saitou. "I take it back. I really hate you."  



End file.
